Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
