and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
