At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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