I met the friendliest cop last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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