im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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