My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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