she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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