just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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