Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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