wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
In America we eat man semen.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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