i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
