Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
