bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
