I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
two words: eviction party
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize