Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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