My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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