The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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