one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
