I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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