Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
