Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
