he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
