I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
