did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
we're so committed to being not committed
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize