i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
