I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
