just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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