Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
