About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
