How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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