I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
