I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
