So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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