Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
