1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
