just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I smell like Dick and happiness
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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