so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
