Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
