I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
