Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
