The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
