My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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