So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
