I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
