I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
