They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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