I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
