you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
