stop calling my apartment porn island.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize