i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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