I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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