First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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