my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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