i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Terrible idea I love it
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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