if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
