I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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