I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
