If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
